Adventures in Sobriety

photo by Selina Chen

hey there.

i’ve been away for awhile.
from the blog that is.
today’s topic is drinking. booze.
i don’t drink.
i bet some of you are surprised.
i used to drink.
like most people who don’t drink.
when you don’t drink, you see lots of funny things around you in the drinking world.
well, not always funny “ha ha” but funny “odd odd.”
these are some random things i’ve learned about not drinking:

1. it makes not smoking a lot easier.

2. just as some people didn’t like me when i drank, some people don’t like me because i quit.

3. some people, when i tell them i don’t drink, must say to themselves, “wow, she must have been really bad” as they sip their 19th beer.

4. bars are gross and dark and smelly when you aren’t one of their flies.

5. people are so much less funny than they think they are when they’re drunk. and they repeat
themselves constantly.

6. i don’t ever miss it. i think of this as sort of a miracle.

7. i don’t miss waking up and wondering wtf i said the night before and why.

8. it amazed me that some of my friends said they never thought i drank too much. now i think it’s hilarious.

9. in mexico, ordering a margarita without tequila is abnormal behavior.

10. people look at you funny when you say you don’t drink. suspiciously.

11. one of my good friends, who drinks often and with great zeal, always says in conversation about my non-drinking: “again, why?” “once again, what is the point?” and it makes me laugh every time. at least she doesn’t pretend to understand.

12. another one of my good friends, who is quite a bit younger, used to call me to pick him up when he was too drunk to drive. he always said he didn’t know one other person he could call in this situation. i know this is true and it’s really kind of stunning.

13. i was usually the most fun person in the room, and the most drunk. i like to think i still am the most fun person in the room. this too is kind of a miracle to me.

14. fortunately i don’t have one of those hideous stories to tell about the day i hit bottom.
i just decided to quit one day and did. it was 3 days before 9/11/01. so i think it’s funny to say some people thought hell would freeze over when i quit drinking, but instead new york blew up. even though that in itself is so not funny.

15. i grew up thinking that parents who didn’t drink were weird. and square. and couldn’t possibly be having fun. in fact, i think only one of my friends had parents who didn’t drink. and they were such fantastic people. they taught me a lot. my parents had the party house most of my childhood and had insane friends who were hilarious and taught me a lot as well. as they got older, it really wasn’t funny anymore. my dad stopped drinking all together in hopes that my mom would. she never did however. she also hated it that i did. it really pissed her off.

16. i don’t know what’s up with the margins in this post but i can’t fix it. pretend you’re drunk.

17. it bugs me when some people i know drink, and i don’t mind a bit with others. i cannot
explain this at all. it drives my husband nuts.

18. i love the book and movie postcards from the edge and relate completely to it. when carrie fisher/meryl streep says, and i’m paraphrasing–“thank god i got sober just in time to really feel the shitty things that were about to happen to me…” well, that’s me.

19. thank god i got sober in time to feel the really shitty things that were going to happen to me. i think of my wisdom gained as yet another miracle.

damn. i meant to try to be funnier here.
maybe next time.
trust me, i can be frikkin hilarious when it comes to talking about drinking.

7 thoughts on “Adventures in Sobriety

  1. You forgot the bruises and blanks that go with #7.
    “What? I took a dump in your tuba?” Robin Williams.
    #13 ~they're actually laughing at you.

    Good for you K. Ignore the naysayers and tell us more so we can follow in your footsteps!


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